"Hey, she's here again," Phil said.

"Who's here?"

I was talking to myself. Phil was already heading off across the shopping mall car park towards a not bad looking MILF. She seemed kind of familiar. Maybe we'd seen her around before, without taking much notice. I hadn't, anyway. Fuckable but not 'Jesus Christ, check out that ass' kind of fuckable. Know what I mean? Anyway she was lugging a couple of big plastic bags and I guess it wasn't the best part of her day. Not that things like that bother Phil. He was born with industrial strength chutzpah and a hide as thick as boiler plate. He's the sort of guy who has his foot in your doorway before you've even opened the door.

"Hi," my buddy said to her. "I guess you're changing your life style, right?"

She looked at him like he'd appeared out of a cloud of fairy dust. Which wasn't altogether wrong, because if a good actor has projection, then Phil has it in spades. Once he starts talking, everybody seems to want to listen. Although I doubt that any of them enjoy listening to Phil's voice as much as Phil does.

"Pardon me?"

The woman was confused. So was I.

'I've seen you here before. You drive a little red Toyota with a Fort Chestile sticker. You used to have a stocky looking guy with military tattoos on his arms with you. But I haven't seen him for maybe two months now. On deployment overseas, I guess."

She shook her head in surprise and looked sideways at me: "Have you two been following me or something?"

"Nope." Phil answered decisively. "But I always take a second look at every good looking girl I see around. So that's why I figured you must have decided to change your lifestyle -- for a while, anyway."

"What are you talking about?"

"Easy. You've taken your wedding ring off. Looking for a little action, are you, until the army lets you have your regular guy back?"

"How did you know that?"

The MILF realized what she'd said only after the words had come out of her mouth and seemed startled. Then she recovered and smiled, just a little, with a tiny shrug of her shoulders. Only Phil could have gotten away with that stroke -- me, I'd have stopped a slap on the chops. She had a nice smile, I'd give her that. Yeah, mother or not, I'd certainly fuck her, for sure.

"I mean, how did you know about the ring, Sherlock Holmes?" she asked Phil.

He tapped the side of his nose: "I told you, I notice a lot about women -- good looking ones, at least. The last time I saw you, you had a ring on. Now you don't. But since your finger is still there and the ring isn't, you must have taken it off. Does that make sense?"

"What business is it of yours, anyway?"

"Well, I'm Phil, this is Jerry, and sex 'r us. We'll do everything for you any other guy can. What's more, we'll do it in stereo."

Her mouth fell open and I thought she was going to drop both of her bags on the sidewalk.

"Are you suggesting what I think you are?'

"We'll come home with you," Phil told her. "Threesomes are our speciality. So what I'm suggesting is that we get together and screw each other's brains out. If it won't interfere with any other plans you've maybe got for the day."

This time I thought for sure she was going to drop the bags. Maybe she would have if her fingers hadn't gone as tight as the rest of her body. Eventually she managed to unloosen enough of the muscles on her face to smile again. OK, more of a series of tics than a smile. I guess.

"I see. And you expect me to say yes to that? You've surely got your nerve, brother."

"I don't expect anything," Phil answered. "I'm just making a friendly offer."

The MILF looked at me: "And have you got anything you want so say, Mr Quiet Guy?"

"Only that I think you're very attractive," I replied. Maybe I don't have Phil's gift of the gab but I'm not stupid. Whatever, she suddenly seemed to loosen up and laughed at us, a real laugh. She put down the bags and tugged at her hair, the way woman do when they're willing to flirt a little.

"Oh, to hell with it. I'll think about it. And the only reason I'm even doing that is because my car's under repair and I could sure use a lift."

"Right, Jerry'll get our wheels," Phil announced briskly. "He'll be right back. Meanwhile I'll stay here to make sure you don't get bothered by any strange men while you're waiting. There's always some real weirdos hanging around these malls."

That made her laugh and when I looked back at them they were both laughing again at something Phil had said. She reached out and touched Phil on the arm. I knew then that he was going to fuck her. The question was whether the junior member of our partnership was going to score as well. Yeah, the junior partner, that's my status. But what the hell, if you can't be Tiger Woods, being his caddy is the next best thing. At least you get to see an expert in action.

Even so, I wasn't sure the MWIWHF would get in the SUV until she actually put her shopping bags on the back seat and got in beside them. And then I was closing the door on the military wife I was hoping to fuck and getting back into the seat like it was a getaway car.

Phil turned around and spoke to our passenger: "Hey, there's just one thing I've got to tell you, hotlips. Whatever you do, on no account must you introduce yourself to us while we're driving along."

I could see the blank expression on her face in the mirror, but I wished I could have seen her eyes behind her shades.

"Why not?" she asked.

Phil chuckled: "You won't believe it, but both of us have an odd kind of psychological problem. Every time a woman tells us her name we reach out and shake her boobs instead of her hands."

She made a kind of half choked chuckle "Somehow, I don't find that so hard to believe. Do you do this sort of thing often?"

"Every day. You're very lucky to have found us with a gap in our schedule."

"Is that so?"

Phil sighed: "Yes, and we were so looking forward to a day off. But the clients come first, that's our mission statement. In fact we guarantee that the clients come before we do. That's why we've got so many of them."

This time the noise in the back seemed a tad more choked off.

"Calm down, beautiful", Phil told her. "And for God's sake keep a straight face at the checkpoint or the MP's will never let us onto the post."

As it turned out the gate guards were too busy arguing about football to care about a couple of kids helping out an army wife with her shopping. One of the guards nodded, pushed the boom button and we were in, all the way to the lady's front door. Phil looked the place over as we got out.

"We'd better mow the lawn for you and do some yard work," He said. "That way we'll have an excuse to stick around."

"Is all that part of your mission statement as well?" Ms married-to-the-military asked.

"Whatever it takes to leave them happy, that's what we deliver. Carry your shopping for you, Ma'm?"

This time her smile was a long, slow one: "Sure. Come on in, gentlemen."

We put the bags on the kitchen table, and Phil winked at me: "Just put the frozen stuff away, Jerry. The two of us are going to take a look at the bedroom. But don't worry, we won't start without you. As long as you're quick."

He slapped the woman smartly on the ass and she yelped, laughed, took his hand and led him off. Like I've said before, whatever Phil's got, I wish I had a lifetime's supply of it as well.

I was quick with my chores, sure, but not so quick that I didn't find my buddy and his new found buddy sitting on the end of the bed and french kissing each other. I tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hey, how about telling us your name now?"

She broke the clinch, then sat back on the bed and tugged at the bottom of her pants. All at once she looked as shy as a nun getting ready to give a lecture on sex education.

"Does it really work out like Phil says? As soon as I tell you my name both of make a grab at my tits?"

"That's the way it works," I assured her. "Of course it's more fun if you spell it out."

"Oh. Why is it more fun that way?"

"Because it takes longer."

She giggled again and lifted up her hands as if to ward us off.

"OK, then. Are you ready for this, guys?"

"We're ready," Phil told her.

"Right. The first letter is J for -- hey!"

"That's a nice pair," I told Phil.

"Definitely not a slack rack. Let's give her a big squeeze for every letter."

"Consider me your right hand man. Come on, girl, speak up. Better yet, take a deep breath then speak up."

"Oh God -- O -- ah!"

Phil laughed: "Was that a letter or just an appreciative noise?"

"It was a letter. J-O and then an A -- God, not so hard, boys, please!"

We worked out a mutually satisfactory method of extracting her name : Joanne Annette Gerber. And by the time we'd gone from J to R, Jo was a very frisky mood. It seemed like she'd gotten off on the spelling bee. Whatever, as soon as Phil dropped his pants she grabbed hold of his cock like it might get away from her -- as if.

END OF PART ONE

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